The Sadist as: my lover: home

These days I’m struggling to find my place with J. He is the sort of man who hurts you without knowing he has done so, and at the same time, he also hurts you on purpose. Most of the time it is easy to tell the difference, other times it takes you a few moments in your hurt, tear-fogged brain to sort out the details for posterity.

I am a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, and my lover, the sadist, knows just how to cut me to make me bleed out the most. I’ve told him. I don’t know how to keep secrets like that from my lover. I don’t know how to protect myself as he, obviously, does. I can hurt him, but my brain always closes my mouth before I do, as if even in this, he rules over me. There are so many things I can say, and sometimes desperately want to say, but cannot, because I don’t want to see his face change.

I don’t want to hurt him. I am not the sadist here. I would only wound him and myself by trying to out-maneuver him. He needs me to remind him to have some compassion. He needs me to comfort him.

He is so fierce. He fights for everything, has fought battles that I would have lost, and so home, needs to be calm. Neutral. His friend explained it to me. So alike they are, so open with their friends, but so closed with their lovers. J too, his friend, more. I could spend the day, ferreting out S’s brain for details, but it isn’t the same as hearing it from J’s mouth.

I wish J wrote like S does. I would read it until the strain made my eyes water. I wouldn’t sleep. J’s book is the one I’d keep with me all the time.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this. I don’t think I’ve ever been this in love, this AWARE of my love, until him. I want to crawl inside him. I want to feel his skin against mine. I want his husky laughter in my ear.

Most of all, I want to be his home; his comfort, the place where he can whisper his secrets and feel weightless.

Love:Sex:Lazy Mornings

I love slow, lazy mornings. J didn’t have anything to do until later, and I blissfully, didn’t book any clients until sometime around 4 this afternoon as a result. We still woke up early, as we always do, grabbed a quick breakfast and went out for a run. J is a good influence in that arena; I feel better than I ever have and everything that is soft on me, are things that should be soft on a woman.

A joint shower later, thanks to this monstrous and wonderful shower, and we were back in bed just wasting away the hours. Sex, yes, the toe-curling sort that makes my nipples hard as I read the sentence back in my head. J’s lips on my neck, his fingers on my waist, his sexy tongue kisses make me think of him when he is gone and show my hand so that I am defeated before he ever returns.

I am his…terrifyingly so. He holds from me something that he knows I want to hear. I am not sure if it is to torture me or to somehow wait for the right, perfect moment. Both are in his ability, and part of his sadistic mind. I love it and in so, serve as his masochist, physically, emotionally, mentally. So consumed.

His actions tell me so much, and make my feminine mind leap here and there between telling myself what I want to hear, and telling myself I am a fool for believing it. Today, on this slow lazy day of conquest, when I kissed him goodbye, I felt him say it against my lips…I think.

I fancy myself on a precipice but have already long fallen. I am his…beautifully so. I love you J.

The Boys: Jealousy: Love

I’ve never seen men behave like they do. It’s the closest group of men I’ve ever known. They are closer than brothers, closer than I am with my girlfriends. I am jealous of their relationship, how well they know each other, how much they share between them without even talking. In their world a glance does say everything. With my friends, and I’m not knocking you girls, sometimes its just sooo much explaining that goes on about why. These guys, they already know why.

I know I never told you about my Valentine’s day, but it was amazing, AMAZING. J is such a romantic. I love how he cups my cheeks when he kisses me. I love how he slides his fingers along the back of my neck.

I am totally getting off track. I’ve watched them, their relationship, in full force since we’ve gotten back. S has been sick, really sick since returning from their boys’ week off trip. He’s been down with a hell-bent strain of Bronchitis (did I spell that right) and made C move over to J’s house until he got over it.

J visited him about 10 times a day. C and him took turns going back and forth. I watched C and J plot about getting him to go to the doctor – hell, C’s a fricking ****** (changed by order of the privacy God). The other J even drove down from a few hours away to see how he was doing in person. That’s one network of men mothering better than I ever could.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen J upset. He’s got this unflappable way about him. He just doesn’t get upset, usually. But he was upset. Really upset after S was carted off to the hospital.

I’m so jealous of how close they are. Women would, I don’t know, be more emotional, but I don’t know if I love anyone like that. Even with J, I don’t have to worry because he’s frickin indestructible. Still if he was sick, I’d be beside myself too. I just want someone to love me like that.

I say that, but, I think I’ve already found that for myself. I just don’t want to get sick to prove it.

And S is better now. Tess, he asked me to talk to you, but I sent J. Forgive me.

Trips: J: Loves & Hate

The way his hand cups the back of my head is the stuff of memory. I love the way his fingers curl into my hair, just that little bit to assert his authority, but not too hard, not every time. I like watching the decent of his mouth onto mine. I like the way my lids close each and every time.

I like the way his body feels as he pulls me closer – his teeth, how they run along the muscle in my neck. I like when he calls me his bitch, but only when its right and never when its wrong. I like the way he feels inside me. I like the way he feels every single place in my body.

And I hate, how I hate…

How I feel when he’s gone.

Enjoy your trip, baby.