The sadist::change::fear

I’d love to report that the world according to Angelique is functioning as it should. I’d love to say that my world is going around like it should, but things are just sort of fucked up. Business good. Family good. Sadist bad. Everything good that is moving along fine grinds to a screeching halt when things aren’t right with him.

J. I snarked at him at the wrong time and he came out of the corner swinging. No, hold onto your domestic violence cards, he tends to be more lethal with his tongue. He cut me to the bone, and don’t get me wrong, I’m angry about this, but its consumed by this agonizing, choking sort of pain. I want so badly to be what he wants me to be, but something just resists.

I know I’ll be happy with him. I know that he’s been nothing short of amazing during all the time I’ve known him. I know that version of our future lays out there, but to admit I want it. To admit that there is something different than this is terrifying. Everything is so perfect now, how can he stand to change it?

I’m afraid of change. In this moment I’m not the easy-going girl. I’m not the person I usually am. I feel like a frightened cat. A stubborn, annoyed, angry, in-love, pining girl…

I hate the slow come down of a serious argument. I hate the way it doesn’t feel like it was for days afterwards. It isn’t the next few days I’m not liking,it’s the fear, that if I don’t accept that some change is upon us, it will happen again.

And no matter how strong I am, I hate, hate having disappointed him.

-Angelique