Puzzles: Greed: Love

Everything is so weird right now with my life. It’s like I’ve put my life into a bowl, blended it and tossed it up into the air and in process of catching the pieces to put them where they belong on the board. I’m failing at something and I hate that I am. J is trying to be supportive, but he is, I think, terminally jealous of my work and the fact that I am not here for him.

I’d be jealous of his, did he not move Earth and Sun for me constantly.

Oh and how part of me wants to give it up! I know that this period isn’t the way it always will be. I am not S, I don’t breathe figures and write papers in my head with every waking second. I am Angelique, a girl, a woman, who loves not being obligated, not being planned, and that maybe is why I am so at odds with the path of my life right now.

I am a hippie at heart, but a pressed and girlie, bra-wearing one. I want freedom, but that isn’t to say I want to be away from J, NOT AT ALL, but that work, and everything else is just squeezing me too tightly right now.

I want to spend a day just chatting and fucking. I don’t want to shop. I don’t want to work or clean. I just want to spend the day with him between my thighs, but moreso, with him between my ears, bathing my senses with calm and his own brand of humor. His voice is a balm for my frantic world.

J organized my life. And that organization has helped me be a success, has helped me not want anymore for those things. It has made things happen that I’ve always wanted to happen.

And, as with all things, now that I have them, I find myself reaching for something else.

J loves me. I know it. I’ve heard it from his mouth. I’ve heard him say it to someone else. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me…